Most of us have heard the phrase "playing the devil's advocate" somewhere along the road. Some of us have even experienced it, whether actually being the devil's advocate, or being on the receiving end of someone else assuming the role. Some of us just imagine the kick-ass Al Pacino/Keanu Reeves movie when we hear the term, even though being the devil's advocate is not necessarily an evil thing. Playing the devil's advocate is simply a euphemism for arguing from a third non-present person's point of view. Overall, I feel the main purpose is to get someone to look at a situation objectively, from a point of view that he or she perhaps would not have considered otherwise. Some find it helpful. Others find it to be a pain in the ass. I find it to be inevitable.
Yes, I am admitting taking on the "pain in the ass" role during several situations throughout my life. I simply cannot help it. I may be a woman, but I like to step back and look at situations from different angles; to evaluate whether or not my emotions are justified. And if I am unable to do this because I am just too involved, I like somebody else to step up and play the devil's advocate. Sometimes I think that the only way to get an objective point of view from a third party is to go see a therapist, and while I am all for therapy, not a lot of people actually have the time (or money) to do so. I have been accused of assuming the role of the devil's advocate by my friends and family, and it is not always a positive thing. "Luci, can't you ever just be on my side for once" sounds very familiar to me. The truth, however, is that I am on their side; I just want them to see that not everything is as black and white as they like to make it out to be. I fully understand the need for people to just have the ability to vent their problems every now and then. But when they vent their problems on an on-going basis, I feel that it is time to step in and find a solution. Like it or not, finding solutions often requires looking at a problem from a different perspective.
I am now about to play the devil's advocate for a certain situation that most people jump to judgements or conclusions about. Now, keep in mind that I am not condoning the situation in any way, shape or form, nor am I trying to devalue anyone's opinions or beliefs. I am simply wanting to prove that there are reasons behind every bad situation, and before conclusions are drawn, the reasons should be known. Also please keep in mind that this situation did happen to a close friend of mine, and I was the person who helped her get through it.
My husband cheated on me with my best friend, and for that my marriage failed.
BAM! How many ladies out there automatically go into fight-mode, the gloves come off and the claws come out? How many people cringe at the thought of such a betrayal? How many assume that this is one of those situations in which there are no excuses, and no forgiveness should ever be granted?
Now here is where I put a new spin on things. Am I justifying the situation? No. But I am turning the tables a little.
First let me point out that a cheating husband 99% of the time is in an unstable and unhappy marriage (the 1% I chalk up to cheaters just simply being assholes). A marriage takes work. It cannot be one-sided. Sometimes it takes an abundant amount of work that most people cannot comprehend. What was going on between the husband and wife to cause an unhappy marriage? Did one of them stop caring, or did they both stop caring? People often do not understand the commitment it takes to make a marriage work. A cheating partner (whether man or woman) usually looks elsewhere when they feel their current relationship is lacking in more than one area.
Another point: did the cheating partner first seek to save their relationship, and their efforts failed somehow? Did the cheating partner pull out all the stops, or did they just give up and look elsewhere? What if the partner did pull out all of the stops, and his or her spouse refused to acknowledge them? Who is to blame for the cheating? Most will say the spouse who chose to cheat is to blame, which is true, but the cheating spouse may not be solely responsible for the failed marriage. It takes two to tango; when spouses are unable to work on a marriage, either one or both of them did not feel that the marriage was worth it. If both parties are not fully committed, the marriage will not work. End of story. The cheating may have made a bad situation worse, but ultimately the marriage will fail when one or both partners are not committed. Like it or not, it is up to both spouses to be aware of their partner's feelings, as well to make sure that feelings and concerns are being shared when necessary.
As for a husband who cheated on his wife with her best friend; this one is obvious. Clearly the friendship was broken, as well as the marriage. A cheating spouse who chooses to cheat with someone close to their partner is obviously looking for a way out of the relationship. Perhaps they feel that it is the only way out of the relationship. Playing the devil's advocate on this type of scenario is a bit difficult. I hate to think that people are just assholes, and choose to hurt someone who is close to them on purpose. Sometimes feelings develop along the way that are unavoidable, which happens all the time. The feelings that developed can be forgiveable; the acting upon those feelings when one or both of the individuals is in another committed relationship is not.
Maybe playing the devil's advocate on sensitive situations such as the one above is just looking for excuses to justify actions that are morally wrong. I am not justifying cheating. I am simply stating that when a marriage fails, both parties are at fault. Can one spouse be more at fault than the other? Possibly, but a failed marriage does not just develop out of the blue. Before fingers are pointed and blame is placed, the entire marriage should be examined from an objective point of view. For a couple to successfully get back together or move on, whichever they choose to do, they both must first be truthful with themselves, and the causes that led to a failed marriage.
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