The "bad boy" appeal. If you haven't personally experienced it, then chances are you know someone who has, or you have at least heard about it. So why am I writing about it? Well, it is something that fascinates me to a certain degree. It is fascinating how humans are naturally attracted to things that they know are not good for them. A lot of this gets referred back to Adam and Eve, and how forbidden fruit always tastes so much better. There is something about being told you cannot do something, or have something, that makes you want it that much more. Most humans want to be happy; so why are we still attracted to potential danger?
The "bad boy" can scream danger in more ways than one. Most women have been warned about the bad boy appeal, and what it can do should you choose to get involved. Traditionally, the bad boy has a sexy, secretive, dangerous side to him that lures women in. The bad boy will make a woman feel special and beautiful, take what he wants from her, and then leave her with a broken heart. Women always have the hope that they can reel the bad boy in, and make him fall desperately in love with them and tame his wild ways. Some women even manage to tame the bad boy for a while, but he always seems to find his way back to the personality that he was born with. I blame Hollywood for the false hope that comes along with falling for the bad boy. How many romantic movies have we seen where the good girl falls for the bad boy, and the bad boy falls in love with the girl and turns his back on this dangerous lifestyle and wild ways just to be with her? The day I hear that this fantasy has indeed become a reality is the day that I will stop being so critical when it comes to romance.
Perhaps another reason as to why the bad boy appeal fascinates me so is because I have fallen for him. Yes, I fell for the bad boy, married him, had a baby with him, turned my back on my beloved family's advice just to be with him, and I got burned. I was one of the women who was able to tame the bad boy for some time, and for a while, it seemed as if the movie fantasy was going to come true in my life. But alas, it was inevitable that he needed to be free. We ended our marriage because he just wasn't meant to be married. He is still a loving father to our daughter, and I am grateful for that.
Ending up with a broken heart after being burned by the bad boy can be heart-wrenching. The signs of a relationship that will end badly are always there, but they are always ignored, especially when you are in love. Who wants to believe that the person you are in love with will leave you one day, even if the person you are in love with is simply not meant to be in a committed relationship? It was so easy to place blame on my ex-husband for our failed marriage. He misled me into thinking that he could handle something as important and committed as a marriage. But I married him when I knew deep down that he couldn't handle such a commitment. No matter how much I hate to admit it, we were both a fault. I now hate it when people try to bash my ex-husband simply because he is not somebody who is meant to be with one person for a lifetime. I give him credit for coming to me first with his problems, instead of fooling around on me like other husbands and/or wives I have heard about in the past.
My bad boy experience is not true for every situation, but I have yet to hear about a woman who has landed a bad boy for a lifetime. While the traditional bad boy is not the commitment type, it is important to remember that they are human too. They can fall in love, they can have families, and they are capable of change. Like anybody, however, change will not happen unless the individual wants it to happen. A woman who finds herself swept off her feet by the bad boy must be aware that if their goal is to change him into something that she wants him to be, her efforts would be put to better use elsewhere.
The attraction to danger is a natural part of being a human; however, the need for love and acceptance is natural as well. You cannot control who you fall in love with, but you can control whether or not you are blinded to see what is right before your eyes. The bad boy can be easy to fall in love with; with certain situations, falling in love with him can be downright inevitable because he appeals to that side of you that craves danger and excitement. As with any relationship, however, it is important to not lose yourself in your significant other. Every human has his or her own thoughts/feelings/beliefs, and they do not diminish just because you are with someone who appeals to the side of you that you normally keep hidden. The "bad boy" personality can bring out the dark side in anybody.
To anyone who finds themselves falling for the individual that your good sense knows is wrong for you (and be warned, they are everywhere), whether you are a man or a woman: protect your heart. Only you can give your heart away, but once you do, the person you choose to give it to can break it in an instant, and leave you to pick up the pieces.
Choose wisely.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The Devil's Advocate
Most of us have heard the phrase "playing the devil's advocate" somewhere along the road. Some of us have even experienced it, whether actually being the devil's advocate, or being on the receiving end of someone else assuming the role. Some of us just imagine the kick-ass Al Pacino/Keanu Reeves movie when we hear the term, even though being the devil's advocate is not necessarily an evil thing. Playing the devil's advocate is simply a euphemism for arguing from a third non-present person's point of view. Overall, I feel the main purpose is to get someone to look at a situation objectively, from a point of view that he or she perhaps would not have considered otherwise. Some find it helpful. Others find it to be a pain in the ass. I find it to be inevitable.
Yes, I am admitting taking on the "pain in the ass" role during several situations throughout my life. I simply cannot help it. I may be a woman, but I like to step back and look at situations from different angles; to evaluate whether or not my emotions are justified. And if I am unable to do this because I am just too involved, I like somebody else to step up and play the devil's advocate. Sometimes I think that the only way to get an objective point of view from a third party is to go see a therapist, and while I am all for therapy, not a lot of people actually have the time (or money) to do so. I have been accused of assuming the role of the devil's advocate by my friends and family, and it is not always a positive thing. "Luci, can't you ever just be on my side for once" sounds very familiar to me. The truth, however, is that I am on their side; I just want them to see that not everything is as black and white as they like to make it out to be. I fully understand the need for people to just have the ability to vent their problems every now and then. But when they vent their problems on an on-going basis, I feel that it is time to step in and find a solution. Like it or not, finding solutions often requires looking at a problem from a different perspective.
I am now about to play the devil's advocate for a certain situation that most people jump to judgements or conclusions about. Now, keep in mind that I am not condoning the situation in any way, shape or form, nor am I trying to devalue anyone's opinions or beliefs. I am simply wanting to prove that there are reasons behind every bad situation, and before conclusions are drawn, the reasons should be known. Also please keep in mind that this situation did happen to a close friend of mine, and I was the person who helped her get through it.
My husband cheated on me with my best friend, and for that my marriage failed.
BAM! How many ladies out there automatically go into fight-mode, the gloves come off and the claws come out? How many people cringe at the thought of such a betrayal? How many assume that this is one of those situations in which there are no excuses, and no forgiveness should ever be granted?
Now here is where I put a new spin on things. Am I justifying the situation? No. But I am turning the tables a little.
First let me point out that a cheating husband 99% of the time is in an unstable and unhappy marriage (the 1% I chalk up to cheaters just simply being assholes). A marriage takes work. It cannot be one-sided. Sometimes it takes an abundant amount of work that most people cannot comprehend. What was going on between the husband and wife to cause an unhappy marriage? Did one of them stop caring, or did they both stop caring? People often do not understand the commitment it takes to make a marriage work. A cheating partner (whether man or woman) usually looks elsewhere when they feel their current relationship is lacking in more than one area.
Another point: did the cheating partner first seek to save their relationship, and their efforts failed somehow? Did the cheating partner pull out all the stops, or did they just give up and look elsewhere? What if the partner did pull out all of the stops, and his or her spouse refused to acknowledge them? Who is to blame for the cheating? Most will say the spouse who chose to cheat is to blame, which is true, but the cheating spouse may not be solely responsible for the failed marriage. It takes two to tango; when spouses are unable to work on a marriage, either one or both of them did not feel that the marriage was worth it. If both parties are not fully committed, the marriage will not work. End of story. The cheating may have made a bad situation worse, but ultimately the marriage will fail when one or both partners are not committed. Like it or not, it is up to both spouses to be aware of their partner's feelings, as well to make sure that feelings and concerns are being shared when necessary.
As for a husband who cheated on his wife with her best friend; this one is obvious. Clearly the friendship was broken, as well as the marriage. A cheating spouse who chooses to cheat with someone close to their partner is obviously looking for a way out of the relationship. Perhaps they feel that it is the only way out of the relationship. Playing the devil's advocate on this type of scenario is a bit difficult. I hate to think that people are just assholes, and choose to hurt someone who is close to them on purpose. Sometimes feelings develop along the way that are unavoidable, which happens all the time. The feelings that developed can be forgiveable; the acting upon those feelings when one or both of the individuals is in another committed relationship is not.
Maybe playing the devil's advocate on sensitive situations such as the one above is just looking for excuses to justify actions that are morally wrong. I am not justifying cheating. I am simply stating that when a marriage fails, both parties are at fault. Can one spouse be more at fault than the other? Possibly, but a failed marriage does not just develop out of the blue. Before fingers are pointed and blame is placed, the entire marriage should be examined from an objective point of view. For a couple to successfully get back together or move on, whichever they choose to do, they both must first be truthful with themselves, and the causes that led to a failed marriage.
Yes, I am admitting taking on the "pain in the ass" role during several situations throughout my life. I simply cannot help it. I may be a woman, but I like to step back and look at situations from different angles; to evaluate whether or not my emotions are justified. And if I am unable to do this because I am just too involved, I like somebody else to step up and play the devil's advocate. Sometimes I think that the only way to get an objective point of view from a third party is to go see a therapist, and while I am all for therapy, not a lot of people actually have the time (or money) to do so. I have been accused of assuming the role of the devil's advocate by my friends and family, and it is not always a positive thing. "Luci, can't you ever just be on my side for once" sounds very familiar to me. The truth, however, is that I am on their side; I just want them to see that not everything is as black and white as they like to make it out to be. I fully understand the need for people to just have the ability to vent their problems every now and then. But when they vent their problems on an on-going basis, I feel that it is time to step in and find a solution. Like it or not, finding solutions often requires looking at a problem from a different perspective.
I am now about to play the devil's advocate for a certain situation that most people jump to judgements or conclusions about. Now, keep in mind that I am not condoning the situation in any way, shape or form, nor am I trying to devalue anyone's opinions or beliefs. I am simply wanting to prove that there are reasons behind every bad situation, and before conclusions are drawn, the reasons should be known. Also please keep in mind that this situation did happen to a close friend of mine, and I was the person who helped her get through it.
My husband cheated on me with my best friend, and for that my marriage failed.
BAM! How many ladies out there automatically go into fight-mode, the gloves come off and the claws come out? How many people cringe at the thought of such a betrayal? How many assume that this is one of those situations in which there are no excuses, and no forgiveness should ever be granted?
Now here is where I put a new spin on things. Am I justifying the situation? No. But I am turning the tables a little.
First let me point out that a cheating husband 99% of the time is in an unstable and unhappy marriage (the 1% I chalk up to cheaters just simply being assholes). A marriage takes work. It cannot be one-sided. Sometimes it takes an abundant amount of work that most people cannot comprehend. What was going on between the husband and wife to cause an unhappy marriage? Did one of them stop caring, or did they both stop caring? People often do not understand the commitment it takes to make a marriage work. A cheating partner (whether man or woman) usually looks elsewhere when they feel their current relationship is lacking in more than one area.
Another point: did the cheating partner first seek to save their relationship, and their efforts failed somehow? Did the cheating partner pull out all the stops, or did they just give up and look elsewhere? What if the partner did pull out all of the stops, and his or her spouse refused to acknowledge them? Who is to blame for the cheating? Most will say the spouse who chose to cheat is to blame, which is true, but the cheating spouse may not be solely responsible for the failed marriage. It takes two to tango; when spouses are unable to work on a marriage, either one or both of them did not feel that the marriage was worth it. If both parties are not fully committed, the marriage will not work. End of story. The cheating may have made a bad situation worse, but ultimately the marriage will fail when one or both partners are not committed. Like it or not, it is up to both spouses to be aware of their partner's feelings, as well to make sure that feelings and concerns are being shared when necessary.
As for a husband who cheated on his wife with her best friend; this one is obvious. Clearly the friendship was broken, as well as the marriage. A cheating spouse who chooses to cheat with someone close to their partner is obviously looking for a way out of the relationship. Perhaps they feel that it is the only way out of the relationship. Playing the devil's advocate on this type of scenario is a bit difficult. I hate to think that people are just assholes, and choose to hurt someone who is close to them on purpose. Sometimes feelings develop along the way that are unavoidable, which happens all the time. The feelings that developed can be forgiveable; the acting upon those feelings when one or both of the individuals is in another committed relationship is not.
Maybe playing the devil's advocate on sensitive situations such as the one above is just looking for excuses to justify actions that are morally wrong. I am not justifying cheating. I am simply stating that when a marriage fails, both parties are at fault. Can one spouse be more at fault than the other? Possibly, but a failed marriage does not just develop out of the blue. Before fingers are pointed and blame is placed, the entire marriage should be examined from an objective point of view. For a couple to successfully get back together or move on, whichever they choose to do, they both must first be truthful with themselves, and the causes that led to a failed marriage.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Introducing Me...Luci D!
Writing has always been a passion of mine, especially when I can freely write about what I know. What do I know better than myself? After 32 years of living, I am still not quite sure if I can answer that question with 100% accuracy and confidence, but I can honestly say that nobody will ever know me better than I know myself because as unlikely as it may seem at times, it is simply impossible. Who am I? I am Lucille Renee Delany (Luci), the proud, yet sometimes exhausted mother of Taylor Alana, the beloved daughter of Donovan, Margaret, and Ashton, and the sad yet relieved divorced single mother who may still be bitter at times that I failed at my marriage, but the feeling is passing everyday when I realize that I am blessed with the perfect family and wonderful friends. Am I living the American Dream the way I thought I would be when I was a little girl? Far from it, but who is to say what the American Dream is anymore? In this day and age, I would consider the American Dream to be able to say that you can put a stable roof over your head, put food on the table, and still have a little extra money at the end of the week to buy that book you have been waiting for over a month to come out, or go see a movie and still be able to afford the popcorn. If that is anyone else's definition of the American Dream, then I am proud to say that I am living it. :)
Growing up was a little unusual for me, but not in a bad way. I was born in 1981 to Ashton and Margaret Littleton. The stories I heard after I was first born put images in my mind of my mother and father being a happy couple with high hopes for their future, as well as mine. My mother often tells me how I was such a daddy's girl, even though I only knew my father during the first year of my life. Pictures and stories from my family has convinced me that my father loved me more than anything (aside from my mother), and he was the perfect family man. It is unfortunate that his life was tragically cut short in a boating accident in 1982 that turned many lives upside down. My biological father was a beloved man, a man who I am proud of to this day despite the fact that I cannot remember him.
My mother, the strong individual that she was (and still is), provided a life for me the best way she could. After the passing of my biological father, she moved us in with her parents (my amazing grandparents) while she went back to college. Upon her graduation, she landed a nursing job at the local hospital, and moved us into a cozy, two bedroom house in a cute suburban neighborhood. Our house was small, but full of love and laughter, and it was our private sanctuary where I felt the safest I have ever felt in my life. My mother gave me everything, and never allowed me to settle for less than what I deserve. It is her strength that I hope gets passed on to my daughter one day.
When I was 15, my mother met her current husband (my stepfather), Donovan Delany, and they were together for two years before they got married. Donovan was the first father figure I have ever had, and while it took some time (because I was unsure how to bond with a potential father), we eventually formed a strong bond, and I now see him as my father (he legally adopted me as well). He moved us in to his home (which was bigger than ours), and suddenly I had a mother and a father again, and the three of us were a happy little family.
After graduating high school, I met my now ex-husband while attending community college. We hit it off immediately, married way too young, and fast forward ten years later, we divorced and decided to go our separate ways (I hate it when my mother's predictions are accurate). The best thing that I got from my marriage was my daughter, Taylor Alana, who is named after both my mother and stepfather (Donovan Taylor and Margaret Alana). She has, and always will be, the bright spot after the storm, the reason for my being, and the one person that I am the most grateful for every day. Taylor and I are now living in our two bedroom apartment (our personal retreat, much like what my mother and I used to have) across from my work (I work at Saint Agnes Hospital as a Unit Secretary, btw), and we are thriving with our newfound freedom.
So that is me, in a nutshell. This introduction does not begin to cover all of me, but alas, it is only an introduction, and I touched upon the most important things in my life. Further posts will display more of my personality and the other aspects of my simple yet beautiful life. Please follow and enjoy. :)
Growing up was a little unusual for me, but not in a bad way. I was born in 1981 to Ashton and Margaret Littleton. The stories I heard after I was first born put images in my mind of my mother and father being a happy couple with high hopes for their future, as well as mine. My mother often tells me how I was such a daddy's girl, even though I only knew my father during the first year of my life. Pictures and stories from my family has convinced me that my father loved me more than anything (aside from my mother), and he was the perfect family man. It is unfortunate that his life was tragically cut short in a boating accident in 1982 that turned many lives upside down. My biological father was a beloved man, a man who I am proud of to this day despite the fact that I cannot remember him.
My mother, the strong individual that she was (and still is), provided a life for me the best way she could. After the passing of my biological father, she moved us in with her parents (my amazing grandparents) while she went back to college. Upon her graduation, she landed a nursing job at the local hospital, and moved us into a cozy, two bedroom house in a cute suburban neighborhood. Our house was small, but full of love and laughter, and it was our private sanctuary where I felt the safest I have ever felt in my life. My mother gave me everything, and never allowed me to settle for less than what I deserve. It is her strength that I hope gets passed on to my daughter one day.
When I was 15, my mother met her current husband (my stepfather), Donovan Delany, and they were together for two years before they got married. Donovan was the first father figure I have ever had, and while it took some time (because I was unsure how to bond with a potential father), we eventually formed a strong bond, and I now see him as my father (he legally adopted me as well). He moved us in to his home (which was bigger than ours), and suddenly I had a mother and a father again, and the three of us were a happy little family.
After graduating high school, I met my now ex-husband while attending community college. We hit it off immediately, married way too young, and fast forward ten years later, we divorced and decided to go our separate ways (I hate it when my mother's predictions are accurate). The best thing that I got from my marriage was my daughter, Taylor Alana, who is named after both my mother and stepfather (Donovan Taylor and Margaret Alana). She has, and always will be, the bright spot after the storm, the reason for my being, and the one person that I am the most grateful for every day. Taylor and I are now living in our two bedroom apartment (our personal retreat, much like what my mother and I used to have) across from my work (I work at Saint Agnes Hospital as a Unit Secretary, btw), and we are thriving with our newfound freedom.
So that is me, in a nutshell. This introduction does not begin to cover all of me, but alas, it is only an introduction, and I touched upon the most important things in my life. Further posts will display more of my personality and the other aspects of my simple yet beautiful life. Please follow and enjoy. :)
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